Today's post is a guest post by Cathy Canen, one of our Blog Connection members, an educator and freelance writer. Her insights into effective business conversation are amazing! Enjoy! – Katie
One day, my boss and mentor, Dave Marks, said something to me that changed my life and my conversations:
“Cathy, one of the most important things you need to teach your kids is to not use the word ‘I’ when they talk to people. Saying ‘I’ makes you the center of a conversation, and as soon as people hear you talking about you, you lose them. People want to talk about themselves more than they want to listen to you talk about yourself.”
For Effective Business Conversation, Don't say “I”…?
I’d never heard anyone say anything like that before and didn’t know what to think of it, so I just stared at Dave for a second, changed the subject, and moved on. But later I started paying attention to conversations people were having on the elevator, in the lobby, and in the restaurant, and I realized that Dave was right.
It was uncanny how often people talked about themselves, and yes, I found it boring.
Worse, I began to realize how often I used the word “I,” and it really started driving me crazy whenever I did it. If I annoyed myself hearing me talk about myself, how boring would it be for my friends and family if I kept yammering about myself?
Dave and I took up the topic again the next day, and many times after that, and I’m so glad we did. But practically speaking, how does this rule play out? Isn’t it natural to say ‘I’ when we talk? For example, in this little article I’ve said “I,” my,” or “myself,” 16 times so far. Is that bad? Not necessarily.
A Right Way and a Wrong Way
As with anything, there’s a right way to do something and a wrong way to do it, and context lets you know which is which.
Take this article for example. I’m giving a personal story. It’s my narrative about my conversation with Dave, so some use of the word “I” is unavoidable and contextual. But think about how often we don’t really have to say “I.” It’s in those times that we can beef up our conversations by using more inclusive words. Take a look at these examples of comments using “I” and the examples that don’t, and decide which one you find most appealing:
“I can’t believe how quickly the car got dirty.”
“It didn’t take long for the car to get dirty again, did it?”
“Thanks. I needed to hear that.”
“Thanks. That’s a great reminder.”
“I always say…”
“As they say…”
“I think that…”
“It seems that…”
“I love it when…”
“Isn’t it great when…”
What to say instead:
Now, if you want to add even more punch to your conversational skills, insert the word ‘you’ into your comments. You’re sure to snag the ear of your hearer if she thinks you’re going to say something about her. Compare these examples:
“Thanks. I needed to hear that.”
“You are absolutely right about that.”
“I’m out of ice. Could I please have more?”
“When you come back, could you please bring more ice?”
“I always say…”
“You know what they say…”
“I think that…”
“What do you think about that?”
Learning to frame our words so that they focus on others is gracious and polite, and it’s also a sign of great maturity. Additionally, it gives both adults and children a sense of empowerment because they’re in charge of the conversation, and they get to intentionally communicate value and appreciation to those that they’re talking to. This little conversational habit makes other feel important, and that’s good, because people are important. After all, without people, there would be no business.
“You said something the other day that I thought was brilliant…”
Who wouldn’t love to listen to someone who said that? How could this make a difference in your business conversation?
Cathy Canen is a writing curriculum creator, private English tutor, free lance writer and blogger whose passions include, loving on her grandchildren, helping others know God, and helping others enjoy life with low calorie diets. You can connect with her at CathyCanen.com.
Great tips, Cathy. It was so helpful when you told me this when you were looking at my nurture sequence. Changed my entire outlook 🙂
This was fabulous Cathy and will definitley be something I learn to include in my conversations with others in my life.